I Almost Gave Up, But . . .
I frustratingly rose to the sound of my alarm. 95% of the time I am awake long before being alerted. I only logged a couple of hours of sleep yet again. My headphones had fallen off due to all of the tossing and turning I did throughout the night, and before I knew it, the thought slapped me in the face. “It’s not worth it anymore.” Usually when these thoughts arrive, my initial response is to pause and take a deep breath. Four seconds in. Four seconds hold. Four seconds out. I gave myself a moment to acknowledge the emotion. After addressing the feeling, I couldn't help but echo the advice I’ve received from my elders. This too shall pass.
I constantly remind myself that I have made it through more difficult times and this won’t be any different. No matter what happens in your life, no matter how tough it gets. . . the one thing you must remember, it’s gonna hurt, but it won’t kill you. The origin of those words came during a moment just like this one and I say them every day now.
The uncomfortable truth about everything is I never know how much effort it will take. Is it 30 minutes of meditation? Is it working out? Will it require another hour and a half sermon? Whatever it takes to get my mind in the right place, I don’t usually know until I’m actually there. The systems I’ve put in place to navigate the day to day of grieving, every day challenges and my life’s biggest battle of not feeling like enough have enabled me to continue showing up even when it hurts the most.
You ever hear that you don’t know what’s hiding behind a smile? I can tell you . . . I hid a lot behind mine. It’s not a badge of honor. I just figured that is what I was supposed to do. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. I wish I would have known better a lot sooner.
If my methods don’t provide the reminder I need these days, a phone call from a friend, a conversation with my dad or a meeting with my mentor usually arrive just in time. On this occasion, my father delivered the exact message I needed. He knew about all of my efforts. He knew about how exhausted I was. He said, “It doesn’t matter what’s going on, son. Usually when it gets that bad, people typically have to fight through a few more days, weeks or potentially months, but eventually, they’ll be alright. We don’t know what God has in store. Faith makes the difference.” The irony of hearing my dad’s advice — it’s like I get an opportunity to speak with myself, which makes his words hit home even more.
When I woke up that morning, it felt like it was time to call it quits on everything. As the song says, I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain . . .
It’s difficult to put it into words, but I knew when his words were spoken that the work that needs to be done meant it was far too important to throw in the towel. There’s too much at stake.
I’ll say it again.
No matter what happens in your life, no matter how tough it gets…
The one thing you must remember is . . .
It’s Gonna Hurt, But It Won’t Kill You.
